When I was 22 I was casually dating a man that was quite a few years older than me. He had a daughter from a previous relationship that he obviously adored but didn’t spend much time with for whatever reasons.
We had sex a few times. We used condoms but one time it broke. A few weeks later I thought I was pregnant. I remember sitting in my bathroom in my apartment waiting for the stick to do its thing and a girl came walking in. Not my favorite person, an acquaintance and not the first person I wanted to tell when that test came back positive. I don’t remember what she said but she convinced me to call the father.
I was scared. I was working my first full time job. I had dropped out of college after discovering what I wanted to do my whole life wasn’t what I wanted. I was living with a good friend. Having a baby would change everything.
So I told him, anxious to hear what he would say or what he’d want to do. Without hesitation or consideration (or it seemed that way to me) he told me I should get an abortion. He said he’d pay for half of it. I had never been in this situation before. I didn’t know what I was feeling or thinking. But I knew that meant that he wouldn’t be committed to this child.
I knew I would be alone. And I knew that was not how I wanted to bring a child into this world. This deeply embedded fear is probably the reason I’ve never had children.
There was a girl at work that was currently pregnant and giving her baby up for adoption. And while I did and still do commend her for it I knew that was not an option for me. I could not fathom bringing a baby into the world and giving it to someone else. That would have crushed me.
So at this point it seemed like his suggestion was the only option. I scheduled my abortion and a friend took me in for the procedure. The whole thing was surreal. And it was painful.
The father ended up paying half what he said he would and although we continued to work together for years never made an effort to pay the rest.
He promised me that he would never let me be alone on Mother’s Day. This was almost 18 years ago and I think he was there for the first year maybe.
It was hard for me. I wondered on and off for a long time if I made the right decision.
Today I can say with 100% certainty that I did make the right choice. I no longer question myself. Do I still think of that baby and wonder where life would be? Absolutely. Those thoughts will always happen. But I don’t feel guilt anymore or regret. I did the best thing I knew at that time.
Last year after roe v wade was overturned I decided to remove my tubes. I will not allow someone else to tell me what to do with my body.
When I was 22 I was casually dating a man that was quite a few years older than me. He had a daughter from a previous relationship that he obviously adored but didn’t spend much time with for whatever reasons.
We had sex a few times. We used condoms but one time it broke. A few weeks later I thought I was pregnant. I remember sitting in my bathroom in my apartment waiting for the stick to do its thing and a girl came walking in. Not my favorite person, an acquaintance and not the first person I wanted to tell when that test came back positive. I don’t remember what she said but she convinced me to call the father.
I was scared. I was working my first full time job. I had dropped out of college after discovering what I wanted to do my whole life wasn’t what I wanted. I was living with a good friend. Having a baby would change everything.
So I told him, anxious to hear what he would say or what he’d want to do. Without hesitation or consideration (or it seemed that way to me) he told me I should get an abortion. He said he’d pay for half of it. I had never been in this situation before. I didn’t know what I was feeling or thinking. But I knew that meant that he wouldn’t be committed to this child.
I knew I would be alone. And I knew that was not how I wanted to bring a child into this world. This deeply embedded fear is probably the reason I’ve never had children.
There was a girl at work that was currently pregnant and giving her baby up for adoption. And while I did and still do commend her for it I knew that was not an option for me. I could not fathom bringing a baby into the world and giving it to someone else. That would have crushed me.
So at this point it seemed like his suggestion was the only option. I scheduled my abortion and a friend took me in for the procedure. The whole thing was surreal. And it was painful.
The father ended up paying half what he said he would and although we continued to work together for years never made an effort to pay the rest.
He promised me that he would never let me be alone on Mother’s Day. This was almost 18 years ago and I think he was there for the first year maybe.
It was hard for me. I wondered on and off for a long time if I made the right decision.
Today I can say with 100% certainty that I did make the right choice. I no longer question myself. Do I still think of that baby and wonder where life would be? Absolutely. Those thoughts will always happen. But I don’t feel guilt anymore or regret. I did the best thing I knew at that time.
Last year after roe v wade was overturned I decided to remove my tubes. I will not allow someone else to tell me what to do with my body.