WHAT IS THE WORST THING ABOUT YOU
A guest post by Jo Piazza
Brook, as I’m sure you are aware. I have a whole slew of actresses and authors that I think are total cunts. Sorry for my language. But, it’s true. Nothing pisses me off more than a lack of generosity and when I see a woman not supporting another woman, I’m triggered. Jo Piazza, for all of you who are listening, is the opposite of that woman. She has been so insanely generous and good to me from day one. In fact, we didn’t even know each other when she reviewed my first book and wrote a blurb that I still think of as being the best quote I’ve ever received.
She is prolific, she is brilliant, she is a hustler, she is a ride or die. And she deserves all the success in the world.
I asked her to write this quick guest post for us (as if she doesn’t have enough else going on with her novel coming out next week) I hope you enjoy! But more importantly, I hope you buy her book.
I like to think that as a 43 year old woman who has birthed three children and spent the better part of a house mortgage on therapy I have a pretty decent idea of what is wrong with me.
But we all have our blind spots.
When I started writing a novel called The Sicilian Inheritance that is filled with century long grudges and vendettas (also cave sex and dragons for those of you who are into such spicy things) I penned this line about Sicilians— “we love to hold grudges…it’s our national pastime. Our golf…” When my dear husband of a decade read it, he snort-laughed in my face.
“Oh, you’re writing about you,” he said with utter and complete clarity.
“No. It’s fiction. It’s a family murder mystery…an adventure. It’s about food and wine and sex and…and…and.”
“Yeah, but the grudges, that’s YOUR personal pastime. You’re writing about what you love to do.”
I pretended that I didn’t hear him or know what he was talking about as he reminded me that I still hold a grudge against the following people: the former neighbor who threw away my plastic pink garden flamingos in 2016, my college roommate who borrowed my favorite Bon Jovi t-shirt and then left it in a hot tub in Spring Break in Acapulco, the bouncer who refused to let me into Bungalow 8 in 2008, his ex-girlfriend who said I was a classic example of a TKTKTK and him…for never getting the scuba certification I got him for a birthday present in 2015.
“You haven’t gotten me a birthday present since,” he said.
“Why do you even remember all of that?” I asked.
“Because you mention all of it all the time.”
So maybe I do hold grudges. I called my mother and asked her about my husband’s wild accusations and she proceeded to ask me if there was ever a breakup in my twenties and early thirties that went smoothly or did every relationship I had until my marriage go down in a dumpster fire of flames, tears and many ill advised voice messages and recriminations.
She also reminded me about my massive grudge against Polly Anderson (not entirely her real name) in the fifth grade who told my crush I wore a padded bra and then made out with him at the roller rink. “You refused to go to her baby shower last year.” But what does my mom know about grudges? Her relatives are Swedish and not Sicilian. Neutrality is their kink.
A call to my best friend didn’t prove entirely helpful to my case. She reminded me that back in 2009 when I found out that my long distance boyfriend cheated on me with 27 people in a year I wrote a whole novel about it.
Was that petty and childish? Of course. Did it make 27 women sting a little less? It sure fucking did. Do I regret it? I should probably say yes, but not really. For me, the moral of that story isn’t that I’m the worst but that if you behave badly you will end up in other people’s stories.
I’ve got this one character in the Sicilian Inheritance who is bold and brash and will not tolerate anyone fucking with her or her family. I love her so much. I love her confidence and her refusal to let anyone screw with her.
I suppose I’ve always had a little bit of this inside me.
And maybe that penchant for revenge and grudge-holding in my book…maybe it is a little bit me.
And I suppose that might be the worst thing about me. I hold grudges. I won’t let them go. They stew and simmer and I will remember them long into the days when I am an old woman who wears nothing but caftans and maybe bites people when they screw with her
But it also might be the best thing about me because I also hold grudges on behalf of my husband who will never learn to scuba dive for no good reason and my children who I will not let be bullied on the playground and my mom who didn’t even have a good time at Polly Anderson’s dumb baby shower because Polly is kind of a b—- who didn’t serve mimosas to the guests who weren’t pregnant.
I will remember everyone who wronged all of my friends, including the boyfriend who hooked up with someone else at the Big Man on Campus party junior year of college and I will stare him down until he sheds a little tear at our 20 year college reunion.
It’s all to say that my holding grudges means I will always have your back. I will despise the people who asked if you were pregnant six months after you gave birth and I will block that bitch on Instagram who flirted with your husband at Back to School Night.
Because if there is one thing I have learned in my middle age is that two things can be true. The worst things about us can also be the best.
Jo’s novel The Scicilian Inheritance is out this Tuesday, April 2nd
Pre-orders are fucking everything for an author. Like literally, if you don’t buy this, she might never get another book deal again.
Looking forward to the read. Loved this!
How is everything you write better than what you wrote before! I love it… even this “ go buy this book” blurb laced with grudges which seemingly makes me love you more. I’ll go buy the book!