MY 12-FOOT SKELETON AND ME
Several people texted me last week to let me know that the delightful pop star Sabrina Carpenter— this generation’s Olivia Newton-John, the human equivalent of a Lambeth cake— dropped a new song called Juno, which Carpenter confirmed was inspired by the movie. The song, I’m pleased to report, is horny excellence (dare I say, even single-worthy?) Jenny, I can’t hedge or feign humility here; I am thrilled when the pop kids are moved by my work. It’s happened a few times now: Halsey, Madison Beer and Olivia Rodrigo have all directly referenced Jennifer’s Body in their music or videos, the Jonas Brothers wrote Love Bug after watching Juno, and Sean Mendes has said that “Treat You Better” is about Young Adult. (I’m kidding with the last one, but the others are true.) I know just last week I was grousing about my career on here, but just when I feel buried, some puppy-dog kid comes along and playfully digs up my bones. I love it! Plunder my grave all you want, just remember to leave flowers.
When I was new to the business, I met Amy Heckerling at a screening and I was truly starstruck. She was already a major influence on my writing even then, and even more so now, Lisa Frankenstein in particular. She was accompanied by 13 year-old “discovery” Saoirse Ronan, who had made her film debut in Amy’s latest. Amy Heckerling may actually be the keenest talent scout in Hollywood history. She was the first person to put Nicolas Cage in a movie, along with Forest Whitaker, Paul Rudd, Anthony Edwards, Brittany Murphy, Jennifer Jason Leigh; the list goes on. Anyway, this is all to say that at the time I met Amy, I was in my twenties and Amy was an older woman, and now I am the older woman and while I am in no way on Amy Heckerling’s level in terms of influence, it makes me happy to serve a similar purpose in midlife. I embrace my inspo-era.
Great segue: it’s almost September and even though it’s 90 degrees in the Valley today and my air conditioner is broken and nectarines are blushing on the counter and it is still indisputably summer, everyone knows September is fall and fall is Halloween. I decided this year that I really wanted one of those 12-foot Home Depot skeletons. I’ve seen them around town and I had no idea they were a thing that is hard to get and in high demand, like a Cabbage Patch Kid in 1983. (I actually got a Cabbage Patch Kid from Santa that year and had no idea that one of my dad’s friends had battled the hordes at Kmart to score one for me and one for his daughter. Thanks, Dave!) Anyway, I had to get on a waiting list for “Skelly” because apparently everyone wants a 12-foot Home Depot skeleton. It’s really an all-season item because you can accessorize Skelly for any holiday. (I thought it might be funny to craft an oversized Ozempic syringe for mine. I’m not being mean. I tried Ozempic so I’m allowed to joke about it.) Buying Skelly is financially responsible because he’s so versatile. He can be a leprechaun, an Easter bunny, even an aging screenwriter dressed in black. Skelly remembers the strike in ’08. Skelly remembers when dailies came on DVDs. Skelly remembers having breakfast with agents at Kate Mantilini. His searching LED eyes have seen it all.
Unfortunately, my kids aren’t really enthused about the giant skeleton. This happens all the time; I get pumped about something juvenile and the actual juveniles in my house remain stoic. “But we can buy a bikini for the skeleton!” I said, trying to get them excited about it. Not only did this not work, I think it confirmed what they already knew, which is that the skeleton is just a another doll for Mom. Goal Weight Barbie, if you will. The kids don’t care about my work, either. My teenager refuses to watch Juno and not even Sabrina Carpenter and her disco-doll outfits can convince him. “No thanks,” he says every time I suggest it. Once he even said “I’ve seen it already,” in an attempt to end the discussion forever. I knew he was lying. The only way I could get him to watch anything of mine would be if I guest-wrote an episode of Big Mouth, and even then I’d have to hide the credit. Luckily, I don’t need the adulation of my children. Halsey loves mommy so you don’t have to!
I’m getting some solar spotlights for Skelly so the whole neighborhood can enjoy him at night. He also has some kind of motor in his skull (a new addition for 2024) so when he detects motion, he can turn his head and watch whomever dares to trespass. We all become more observant with experience and decay. By the time all your flesh has fallen away, all you have left is your knowing. Watch out, delivery man, father, child on a bike! This property is patrolled by a giant.