HOW DO WE ACCEPT CHANGE?

I can’t decide if it’s just me, my meds, my marriage, my family, or the fact that Kris Jenner looks like somebody popped her head off and replaced it with a new one. But I’m smack in the middle of an existential crisis. I haven’t bought myself a sports car or pierced my ears with sterling silver studs, but I’m getting dangerously close to getting a new tattoo- Something written in fine, dental floss-thin ink that means absolutely nothing and everything all at the same time.

There has been a shift in my relationships, where people have grown and changed, without me. Maybe we have to mourn the deaths of those we love to embrace the people they become. I’ve tried mourning, complaining, and screaming at my therapist. When you get married and have kids, you are signing up for a thousand funerals- a thousand deaths and rebirths both of yourself and your relationship. But what if the pieces that die in others are the pieces that made you feel the most seen, the most safe, and the most connected to yourself? What if I don’t like these new incarnations? Or at the very least resent them for robbing me of the people I loved before?

I don’t know what will happen next. Maybe I’m not supposed to. It’s hard to interpret what other people are thinking- like a cryptic tattoo written in dental-floss thin ink- Everything and nothing all at the same time. This is how I feel lately.

I wish I had an Ouija board. Not just to connect with the soul of my deceased poodle, whom I miss more than ever, but to have a moment to speak with those who left without saying goodbye.